Our suggested parade floats for Utah politicians and others
By Renae Cowley, Frank Pignanelli
Renae is a Republican, political consultant, lobbyist, social media influencer and professional rodeo athlete. Frank is a Salt Lake attorney, lobbyist and political adviser who served as a Democrat in the Utah State Legislature.
This week, we celebrate Pioneer Day, a unique Utah holiday that honors all Utahns who were, or are currently, pioneers in various ways. While the rest of the country is at work, most of our citizens will be attending parades, picnics, rodeos and fireworks as a way to acknowledge the fantastic people who built the greatest place on Earth to live.
The famous parade through downtown Salt Lake City remains a key feature of this historic celebration, which honors traditional virtues, even if our ancestors were not part of the original pioneer company crossing the plains. Political themes are banned in the Days of ’47 parade, but we can’t help but envision what parade floats politicos and others would create.
Gov. Spencer Cox: Riding on a flatbed truck with a waterfall slip and slide, preceded by a huge banner proclaiming, “Please pray for rain and ignore the cynics. It worked the last time.”Sen. Mike Lee: Dressed in a cowboy outfit, holding a banner with friends stating, “Proud to bring together local ranchers, hunters and environmentalists … to oppose my public lands bill.”
Public Service Commission: Walking together, tossing out rock-hard salt water taffy to parade observers and holding a banner: “Enjoy the treats, either by eating them or throwing them at the Rocky Mountain Power float.”
Rocky Mountain Power Execs: Dressed as Doc Brown from “Back to the Future,” driving a DeLorean, desperately trying to create enough gigawatts to meet Utah’s growing need for power, with the sign “You may be mad, but you need us.”
NPR and PBS: They couldn’t afford a float this year, but staff will walk the parade route, shaking a tin cup, asking for donations, shouting, “Please remember Big Bird and Mr. Rogers.”
Lt. Gov. Deidre Henderson: Playing the role of a Pony Express rider, Utah’s chief election officer will deliver municipal primary election ballots along the route while assuring voters that by-mail elections are safe and secure. (Your authors would like to remind readers that ballots arrive this week.)
Elon Musk: Unhappy with last year’s parade, he will be organizing his own on July 25th in Wendover.
Sen. John Curtis: Dressed as a warrior holding a spear, shouting, “I’m leading the charge on Social Security reform. Millennials and Gen Zers, you’re welcome!”
Utah Congressional Delegation — Burgess Owens, Blake Moore, Celeste Maloy and Mike Kennedy: Walking down the parade route, locking arms, while holding a banner: “We love the Big Beautiful Bill. Something for everyone and Trump leaves us alone.”
Canadians in Utah: Will be sitting on a large float, with a large loudspeaker shouting the message: “Keep the apologies coming, and we will continue the maple syrup flowing.”
Utah Supreme Court Justices: In their robes, carrying a banner: “Proud to be a constitutionally protected third branch of government … just saying.”
Utah Senate President Stuart Adams: In an effort to address Utah’s growing energy concerns, President Adams will be dressed as the wizard of Menlo Park, Thomas Edison, atop a small cell nuclear reactor, proclaiming, “Let there be light!”
Speaker Mike Schultz: Portraying a wagon boss while donning a 10-gallon hat, he’ll be driving a chuck wagon equally yoked with representatives from Utah’s colleges and universities, each pulling their weight.
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall: Eagerly waves to passersby aboard a brightly embellished rainbow flag float — the official float of Salt Lake City.
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: Wearing a deep blue dress atop a bright red float with the banner, “Providing the needed liberal voice in the ocean of conservatives.”
Brad Wilson, Olympic Committee Chairman: Atop a medal ceremony podium, shouting, “Make Winter Olympics Great Again!”
Ryan Smith: Riding a life-size animatronic mammoth in celebration of the Utah Hockey Club’s official mascot, while proclaiming, “Mammoths are cooler than Yetis, right!?”
Sen. Dan McCay and Rep. Trevor Lee: Both will be patrolling the parade route vigilantly on the lookout for any banners that do not conform to legislative standards, keeping an eye out for flags with extra colors, unauthorized stripes or the year “1847” inscribed on them.
Pam Bondi: Making an unexpected appearance in Utah’s celebration will be dressed as a magician, showing observers a folder labeled “Epstein Files: Classified” and saying, “Now you see them, now you don’t!”
Republican Party leadership: Will be burning candidate signature packets with “Braveheart” blue-painted faces, ready to charge up the hill and fight to the death to restore the caucus/convention-only system, but aren’t exactly sure how to go about it.
Democratic Party leadership: A smaller entry as compared to their Republican colleagues, they proudly march down State Street holding a banner saying, “Utah Democrats have a proud legacy. Please ignore Zohran Mamdani.”
Cowley & Pignanelli: Renae will ably ride her favorite steed in full rodeo regalia. Frank will perform his traditional function: walking behind the parade, scooping the poop.