What would politicians dress up as for Halloween? -Pignanelli and Webb
This is the week for zombies, apparitions and banshees... of course we’re talking about the U.S. Congress. Also, it’s Halloween. Although many of our politicians need no costume to be scary, we did a little research to help you recognize them when they show up on your doorstep for tricks or treats. You will want to hide the children.
Sen. Mitt Romney will be looking for tricks as “Pierre Delecto,” a French gigolo, the alias fronting his secret Twitter account used to defend himself against detractors. Everyone is excited to see this dude on their front porch. (You knew we couldn’t resist this.)
Inland Port protesters’ usual slapdash garb is more than satisfactory for the season’s terror. Their tricks include trespassing on private property, screaming nonsensical chants, shouting down speakers and haunting public hearings. They hope their antics are rewarded with candy — and not arrest warrants.
Utah Gov. Gary Herbert will be donning the costume of Dracula. This will help him “drain” all those donors at the governor’s fundraising gala on Friday evening.
Former Speaker Greg Hughes will be Hamlet, carrying a skull and chanting “to be or not to be... governor.”
Jon Huntsman Jr. will be Captain America, having vanquished foes in China and Russia and ready to challenge pesky obstacles in the governor’s mansion… and beyond.
Congressman Rob Bishop will be returning as Casper the Friendly Ghost, highlighting the fact that most Utahns love the representative, even though he’s mostly invisible.
Gayle Ruzicka will not need to wear a costume again this year, as most lawmakers are already scared to death of this nice grandmother.
House Speaker Brad Wilson will sport Batman attire, the Caped Crusader of Tax Reform, crushing the evil enemy of maladjusted revenues.
Senate President Stuart Adams will seek treats as Gandalf the Grey, effortlessly and effectively leading his fellowship of senators through the scary forest filled with protestors, lobbyists and House members.
Hillary Clinton will don a Tulsi Gabbard costume and trick-or-treat as a Russian asset.
House Minority Leader Brian King is Harry Potter, hoping the wand can be waved to bring more Democrats to Capitol Hill.
Senate Minority Leader Karen Mayne will be dressed as Maleficent, because she intimidates most men on Capitol Hill.
Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox will don the attire of St. Francis, because he loves all creatures, especially that blue bird named Twitter.
Donald Trump needs no costume. His flaming red hair terrifies Democrats and the news media hoping to drive an impeachment stake through his heart.
Atty. Gen. Sean Reyes will be the new rap sensation “SRaze!”, rhyming and bouncing his songs against traffickers, white-collar criminals and grumpy legislators.
Congressman Ben McAdams will be stretchy superhero “Plastic Man,” demonstrating an uncanny ability to adapt and twist in response to pressures from the left and right.
Salt Lake City mayoral candidates Erin Mendenhall and Luz Escamilla will be Tweedledee and Tweedledum; the only difference is who can shout the loudest hate toward the Inland Port.
Congressman Chris Stewart will dress up like the fighter pilot he is, only with a twist: He’ll be Trump’s wing man, machine guns blazing, in the impeachment debates.
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson will be Captain Marvel, reflecting her visits to the border, fighting for liberal ideals and defending the county (which needs much defending).
State Sen. Curt Bramble will be his usual human tornado.
This column once described him as “The Force,” so it’s only natural that state Auditor John Dougall, costumed as Darth Vader, continues to terrorize small government agencies.
Former Sen. Pat Jones, CEO of the Women’s Leadership Institute, will be Wonder Woman as she courageously elevates the stature of female leadership in Utah.
Sen. Mike Lee will seek treats as Thor, using his hammer to smash any incidents of unconstitutional behavior.
Former congressman and Fox News contributor Jason Chaffetz will be sporting a ninja warrior outfit demonstrating his combat readiness to challenge (and write books about) the ever-present threat of the Deep State.
Mayor Jackie Biskupski will be dressed as Joan of Arc — leading a charge whether her troops are with her or not.
Third District Congressman John Curtis will be wearing his motorcycle leathers — roaring away from all the nonsense in Washington.
Pignanelli and Webb will seek treats while dressed as potted plants, reflecting both their intelligence and personalities. By the way, Webb prefers Kit Kats... Pignanelli likes tater tots.