Political types of all stripes have a lot to be thankful for this year
By Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb
This Thanksgiving was very different from the traditional big gatherings most of us are used to. Meanwhile, those involved in politics expressed appreciation for a variety of blessings last Thursday. Without revealing our sources (i.e. Russian intelligence, Chinese hackers, North Korean wiretapping, etc.) we hereby outline what we learned about secret expressions of gratitude by Utahns and their leaders.
Every man, woman, child, pet (and even house plant) in Utah: We are extremely grateful to no longer be bombarded with the endless negative commercials from the Owens and McAdams campaigns. After months of that nonsense, the silly ad with the bears and toilet paper is now comforting to watch.
National pollsters, pundits, campaign experts, political wisemen: We are grateful for the insecurity that politicians, campaign managers, and the news media feel. It means they will continue to hire us for polling, focus groups, message testing, etc. even though we got it completely wrong — AGAIN!
Twitter executives: The Twitterer-In-Chief may be out of office, but his thumbs still work. So, the tweet blizzards will continue. We are thankful for such a healthy democracy … and the ad revenue.
Right-wing activist groups: We are thankful liberal Democrats will be occupying the executive branch. We can scream at them … which helps our fundraising and membership recruitment activities.
Gov. Gary Herbert: Leading Utah through a major crisis wasn’t how I expected to end my nearly 12 years in office, but I’m grateful to have the confidence of Utahns — and my approval ratings have held strong!
Left-wing activist groups: A Democrat will be in the White House, but we can still scare our members with threats of an ignored progressive agenda. We are grateful for opportunities to further squeeze our supporters for contributions.
Former President George W. Bush: I’m amazed that all these liberals who hated me are now proclaiming me as a great statesman, all because we had a smooth transition to President Obama — doing what every other administration before mine did. I am thankful for the amusement of changed perspectives.
The news media: Of course, we abhor the intensely partisan nature of politics … and hope it continues. This last election broke all records for advertising spending. Our profits are not “fake news.”
U.S. Sen. Mike Lee: I am grateful that the GOP will maintain the Senate majority. I can lecture the Biden administration on constitutional principles when they seek approval of their appointments … and they will have no choice but to listen.
U.S. Sen. Mitt Romney: I am grateful to be the junior senator from Utah … and in the catbird seat. I can follow my “Inner Mitt” and say anything I want about anyone or anything because both the Biden administration and the Senate majority need my vote.
Gov.-elect Spencer Cox: After spending hours with legislators chewing on me over the state’s pandemic response, I’m grateful for the good sense to have picked former state Sen. Deidre Henderson as my running mate. She gets to deal with them from now on!
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: Although Democrats suffered some losses, I am grateful to be reelected. I’m especially appreciative to have received 273,746 votes, making me the leading Democratic vote-getter in the state. Just sayin’ …
Congressman-elect Burgess Owens: I thank all my supporters. But we could have not succeeded without the competency of the Utah County Clerk who reestablished sanity in the voting process. So, a special Thanksgiving blessing to Amelia Powers Gardner.
Congressman-elect Blake Moore: It doesn’t happen often, but I am thankful that nice guys can actually win.
Congressman John Curtis: The presidential election provides great opportunities. I can push back on the Biden administration if they try to expand Bears Ears, but they will have to reach out to me to do anything feasible on climate change. I’m thankful for the leverage.
Congressman Chris Stewart: I’m interested to learn what bogeymen the House Democrats will investigate next year. I am grateful for their antics as they make it easy for me to seem reasonable.
National Republicans: We did lose the presidency, but otherwise are enjoying a cornucopia of blessings. Thanks to all who screamed, “defund the police”, “pack the court” and other inflammatory demands. Of course, a special shout out to “The Squad.” Without you, we could not have increased our House numbers and maintained control of legislatures that will redraw district boundaries to guarantee success in 2022. What a blessed year.
National Democrats: Uh, yes, we underperformed in congressional and Senate elections. But we won the White House. Even better, Trump will be running a shadow campaign which gives us all sorts of fundraising and voter registration advantages. A fruitful year, indeed.
Senate Pres. Stuart Adams and House Speaker Brad Wilson: The presidential and other federal elections were so acrimonious and unsettling that state government and legislative campaigns seemed positively boring. Our supermajorities continue, and we look forward to a great year.
LaVarr and Frank are always grateful that we have a few more readers than just Frank’s mother. And we thank all those politicians who generate enough news and controversy to keep us well supplied with material.