How to identify your ghoulish politicians as they trick-or-treat
By Frank Pignanelli & LaVarr Webb
Normal people are behaving like zombies, with distant looks on their faces. Yes, Halloween is soon here, but we are describing 2020 election.
Pignanelli & Webb: This is the season of nightmarish scenes, haunting messages and terrifying predictions. Normal people are behaving like zombies, with distant looks on their faces. Yes, Halloween is soon here, but we are describing 2020 election.
It is the season of tricks and treats, and most Americans assume they’re being tricked. Over the next week, candidates will be appearing on virtual and figurative doorsteps, seeking votes, not candy. To help you identify them as they solicit your support, we reveal what costumes they may be masquerading in.
Republican gubernatorial candidate Spencer Cox will be costumed as the mythical creature griffin and Democratic candidate Chris Peterson will be a unicorn, a reflection of their recently announced joint effort encouraging civility in politics. In other words, they represent something everyone wants to see, but that doesn’t exist in reality.
Sen. Mike Lee will be donning the attire of a new superhero “Captain Constitutional Republic” as he battles those evildoers who dare to label our government a democracy.
President Donald Trump really needs no costume to be scary, but he will dress as the “Hulk” — the biggest, loudest and angriest guy in the room.
Former Vice President Joe Biden will be donning a Barack Obama mask to remind voters of his major campaign message: “I am buddies with Barack”
Gov. Gary Herbert will be wearing the “Plague Doctor” outfit complete with goggles and the large hook nose. The hope is to scare everyone into wearing masks and social distancing.
State epidemiologist Angela Dunn will be Florence Nightingale, providing stern medical advice but with her usual gentle bedside manner.
If you see Casper the Friendly Ghost, it’s likely Attorney General Sean Reyes floating about. People know he exists but he’s hard to pin down. Chasing this spirit around will be Democratic attorney general candidate Greg Skordas in Ghostbuster regalia.
Congressman Ben McAdams will be wearing the Ronald Reagan mask as part of his intense effort to attract Republicans.
Republican congressional candidate Burgess Owens will be Teflon Man. Apparently, harsh attacks on him — or even comments made by him — bounce right off.
Utah Democratic Party chairman Jeff Merchant will be Don Quixote as he maintains warfare against windmills.
Utah GOP Party chairman Derek Brown will be costumed as a lion tamer as he attempts to train and subdue unruly candidates and party members.
Sen. Mitt Romney will return as the Dark Knight, mysterious in his ways and holding to principle as he seeks to instill common sense in the dark corridors of the nation’s capital.
Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson will assume the nun habit of Mother Teresa, demonstrating her concern for those afflicted in the pandemic while hoping to shame state leaders.
Republican Salt Lake County mayoral candidate Trent Staggs will be Johnny Appleseed, seen planting lawn signs in every nook and cranny of the county.
Salt Lake City Mayor Erin Mendenhall will be wearing the Dr. Tony Fauci mask demonstrating her support for scientific approaches to the pandemic, justifying her request for more restrictions.
Congressman Chris Stewart will be wearing a Trump mask, signaling he’s all in with the Prez — no turning back.
GOP congressional candidate Blake Moore will be wearing a trench coat and sunglasses to further promote fun rumors of possible undercover activity in his past.
Congressman Rob Bishop will be the seldom-seen Sasquatch. Rumors, scratchy photos and discarded diet Dr. Pepper cans point to his existence, but sightings are rare.
Congressman John Curtis is superhero Plastic Man, able to stretch himself across the state and the political aisle in preventing climate change and protecting states’ rights in public lands.
Democratic congressional candidates Darren Parry, Kael Weston and Devin Thorpe will be The Three Amigos, doing their best to protect the citizenry from rascally Republican politicians.
This column sometimes describes State Auditor John Dougall as “The Force” because government agencies feel his presence. To remain consistent in his omnipresence, he will be trick-or-treating as Baby Yoda.
House Speaker Brad Wilson will sport Braveheart attire (complete with kilt and blueface), courageously leading his caucus to balance Utah’s tax system and defend against Democratic challengers.
Senate President Stuart Adams will seek treats as Gandalf the Grey, effortlessly and effectively leading his fellowship of senators through the scary forest filled with protesters, lobbyists and rowdy House members.
Senate Minority Leader Karen Mayne is Flo the Progressive Insurance spokeswoman, reminding everyone that a unique style of relentless determination and earnestness does succeed.
Minority Leader Brian King is the cartoon character Underdog, fighting for right of the opposition to oppose anything, at any time, no matter what.
Former Sen. Orrin Hatch is the Great Pumpkin. We know he is out there and we have fond memories, despite few sightings, and we wish him well.
Pignanelli & Webb will be haunting neighborhoods as happy, clumsy clowns — not too competent, but giddy that the election concludes in just nine days!