What were politicians grateful for on Thanksgiving?

Pignanelli & Webb

Pignanelli & Webb: Some of our sillier readers are convinced that we are part of the “fake news” media. For the record, it’s not fake news if you hear it from little voices in your head. That’s where we heard what politicians are grateful for this Thanksgiving weekend.

Gov. Gary Herbert: I’m thankful for a once-in-a-lifetime experience. The Salt Lake Tribune actually praised me, however grudgingly, in an editorial about my policy of welcoming refugees. I know it had to be painful ... which made it more fun for me.

Legislative Tax Reform Task Force members: We are grateful that Utahns can’t buy tar and feathers at Home Depot. Otherwise, angry citizens would show up at our hearings bearing buckets of it.

National pollsters, pundits, campaign experts, political wise men: Thank goodness for the impeachment controversy. This is a nonstop talking-head bonanza for us well-paid blowhards.

U.S. Sen. Mitt Romney: I’m thankful for variety of opportunities ... governor of Massachusetts ... presidential candidate ... senator from Utah. In Massachusetts I was too conservative. In Utah I’m too liberal. I’m seeking the perfect Goldilocks position where my ideology is just right — maybe Murray dogcatcher.

Congressman Chris Stewart: I’m grateful for the Intelligence Committee impeachment hearings. Defending the president with indignant outbursts guarantees plenty of cable TV appearances and protects me from right-wing opponents back home.

Local TV stations. Always thankful for delusional billionaires who are willing to spend their fortunes on early advertising blitzes.

Congressman Ben McAdams: Many thanks for my high approval ratings. I will need them as a buffer for however I vote on this dang inconvenient impeachment thing.

Conservative activist groups: We’re blessed by three things: The impeachment hearings that solidify our base, the left-wing presidential candidates who scare voters and for a great economy that even liberals can’t deny.

Liberal activist groups: The blessing of Donald Trump trumps everything else. No one in history has so fired up the liberal throng as the orange-haired one.

The news media: He calls us names. He denigrates our profession. He calls us Fake News. He demeans all of us. But ... he drives audiences to us. He improves our ratings. He increases advertising revenue. We’re thankful for Donald Trump!

Utah legislative leaders: We appreciate our members who are trying to modernize Utah’s taxes. The mind-numbing details, confusing data, angry comments and incessant speeches should be banned by the United Nations Convention Against Torture.

Former Utah House Speaker Greg Hughes: Despite my hibernation, thanks to everyone for keeping me on the list of governor candidates.

Jon Huntsman Jr.: Always grateful for flexibility in the definition of a Republican in Utah.

Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox: Most popular candidate among Republican voters. Just sayin’ ... Thanks.

Salt Lake County Councilwoman Aimee Winder Newton: I’m thankful for the privilege of running for governor and carrying on the great Winder tradition of public service.

Gubernatorial candidate and businessman Jeff Burningham: I’m thankful that Utah needs an outsider conservative businessman to take Utah to the next level.

Congressman John Curtis: I am grateful to be issuing regular press releases about actual congressional action, instead of being paralyzed by impeachment proceedings.

U.S. Sen. Mike Lee: I am grateful for the opportunity to use the impeachment trial to quote from the Federalist Papers, classic rock songs and weird cult movies.

Salt Lake County Mayor Jenny Wilson: Very grateful to a father, Ted, who taught me the importance of public service — and for the opportunity to be the Utah Democrat with the most constituents.

Thomas Wright: I’m thankful for all the governor candidates who got in too early and are spending resources when no one is paying attention so I can jump in when it makes sense and unite conservative and moderate Republicans with a winning campaign.

Utah’s education community: We don’t like it, but we’ll accept the blessings of the Legislature considering changing the constitutional income tax earmark for education. Nothing galvanizes our members like a good battle over funding.

Utah Democrats: We are grateful for the miracle of Twitter … especially for the over-used account of one spelling-challenged individual whose tweets unite all the disparate factions of our party.

Utah Republicans: We are extremely thankful for those overused hyperbolic superlatives like: Bombshell! Explosive! Blockbuster! Game-changer! used by Democrats and the news media for the last three years to describe various revelations about Trump — all while the nation’s voters stifle a collective yawn and mow the lawn.

Congressman Rob Bishop: I’m thankful for the privilege of serving — and to be leaving the swamp and coming home permanently in a year.

LaVarr & Frank are again grateful to have readers beyond family members (who we force to read the column). We are also thankful for Utah’s politicians who, despite their antics, serve the state well and generate plenty of news and controversy to keep us busy each week.