LaVarr Webb and Frank R. Pignanelli: Politicians’ banners on Pioneer Day floats — seriously!

Pignanelli and Webb — Tomorrow is the 170th anniversary of the Mormon pioneers’ entry into the Salt Lake Valley. The Days of ’47 parade committee frowns on special-interest groups and politicians entering floats in the parade. We respectfully suggest this is a mistake. Instead, they should allow political floats, but the float themes and banners must be honest. We believe this would be the result:

Former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman: “From Russia with Love.”

Congressman Chris Stewart: “Working on a new book: The Seven Miracles that Saved the Trump Presidency.”

American Beverage Institute: "Studies indicate that politicians waving in a parade pose a greater threat on the roads than drunk drivers."

Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox: "Working hard to make sure nonexistent voter fraud never occurs."

Congresswoman Mia Love: “Yes, I joined the Climate Change Caucus. Can I still do s’mores on a campfire?”

Salt Lake City Mayor Jackie Biskupski: “Yeah, Salt Lake County doesn’t like me. But who cares? No one I know likes them."

Salt Lake City Council: "Upholding time-honored traditions — battling with the mayor."

Full-time Salt Lake County elected officials: "Pretending relevancy since 1853."

Salt Lake County Mayor Ben McAdams: "The Democrat you can vote for and not suffer Mormon guilt."

Congressman Rob Bishop: “The House is moving legislation. The Senate needs some political testosterone.”

Jason Chaffetz: “D.C. dysfunction is destroying the country! (Easy for me to say — now.)”

Utah Pride Festival: "Pride Day features Utah's second largest parade — and closing fast on this one!"

Gov. Gary Herbert: "To h---eck with the Outdoor Retailers! Our economy rocks!”

Sen. Orrin Hatch (sitting in an easy chair): "Just keeping this seat warm for … ?”

Salt Lake City panhandlers. "Utah’s meth manufacturers, drug dealers and opioid peddlers say THANK YOU for giving us your spare change.”

Jenny Wilson, Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate: "It could really happen. It did in 1958."

Rep. Mike Noel: "Protecting Utah from sinister tree huggers and forked-tongue rock lickers."

Utah Republicans: "We must be living right. Our party is a mess in Utah and in Washington — and we still win elections."

Utah Democrats: "Like the Mormon pioneers, we have suffered hardships, but we display unquenchable faith. We expect seagulls to poop on Republican voters."

Third Congressional District Republican primary candidates: "This primary election is important. Please return from your vacation and vote."

House Speaker Greg Hughes: "You're welcome, Salt Lake City. Are there any other liberal Democrat messes I can fix?"

Sen. Mike Lee: "My arm is sore from being twisted over the healthcare bill, but I love all the opportunities in the media to espouse constitutional principles."

Equality Utah: "Salt Lake City is the place … And we own it."

Draper City activists: "Caring for Utah's homeless … by screaming derogatory remarks at them."

Environmentalists supporting Bears Ears: "The pioneers exploited Native Americans, so we can, too."

Bears Ears Monument detractors: “True, a monument wouldn’t really make much difference, but it’s a good excuse to blast the federal government."

Utah firefighters: "No actual firefighters on this float. We're too busy extinguishing blazes some of you idiots lit with fireworks, guns and campfires.”

Senate President Wayne Niederhauser: "I'm bored already. Can I get off this float and on my bike now?"

House Minority Leader Brian King: "Amazing and rare! A real live active Mormon Democrat. Wonder if I’ll end up in a church museum."

Utahns for Trump: “He’s crazy, crass, crude, rude and unrepentant — everything we love about the guy!”

Sen. Jim Dabakis: "Welcome to my downtown Senate district. Wave at me and you will be automatically enrolled in my left-wing movement, entered on my email list and I’ll incessantly grovel for money to lobby the City Council to appoint me to the UTA board.”

Eagle Forum President Gayle Ruzicka: “Celebrating 1847 values in 2017.”

Mitt Romney (looking through binoculars): “Just checkin’ out Orrin’s float up ahead to see if he’s still keeping that seat warm.”

New GOP Chairman Rob Anderson (on a really fast float): “Gotta keep one step ahead of those debt collectors.”

Pignanelli & Webb (at the end of the parade, with shovels): "Just doing what we do best — cleaning up the horse manure those politicians left behind."