Pignanelli & Webb: Labor Day is the unofficial start of the campaign season. Because of the tumultuous events in the nation's capital and across the country, we detect a desire for greater honesty in politics. Therefore, as a public service we hereby provide truthful slogans and statements for candidates, current officials and other leaders to use in their campaigns, websites, speeches and twitter posts. We are confident they will find our suggestions helpful.
Former Congressman Jason Chaffetz: "My book, ‘The Deep State,’ comes out Sept. 18. It is the best preparation possible for when I become governor and have to deal with the Division of Motor Vehicles."
Utah Republican Party: “Ours is the Big Tent party — with members inside stabbing each other.”
Utah Democratic Party: "Our party is mostly hardcore leftists — but we’re giving Ben McAdams a pass."
Democratic candidates in Republican strongholds: "No donkeys. No Trump bashing. Doing everything I can to hide the fact I’m a Democrat."
Republican candidates in Democratic strongholds: "If elected I can provide a seat at the legislative table for this liberal district. I have no idea what that means, but I was told to say it."
Sen. Mike Lee: "Just keeping an eye on some of those aged denizens of the U.S. Supreme Court. Third time might be the charm."
Sen. Orrin Hatch: “Let’s get these midterms over with so we can focus on the next big thing — my retirement and fundraising for my $40 million Hatch Center library and think tank.”
U.S. Senate Democratic candidate Jenny Wilson: “Please protect the environment. Don’t throw away my lawn signs. Recycle them and use biodegradable ink to write ‘County Mayor in 2020.’”
U.S. Senate GOP candidate Mitt Romney: “There is so much to love about this state. It’s easier to spell than Massachusetts. Fry sauce ranks with clam chowder. Everyone is so nice, especially to my wife. She could run for governor. Oops, that would be awkward. She’d have to run against Josh.”
Supporters of the marijuana initiative: "Doctors, cops, religious organizations and most politicians are opposed. But this is your chance to be cool and rebel against the establishment — plus you can move to the country and have your own marijuana grow.”
Opponents of marijuana initiative: “Sure, our campaign was dysfunctional for many months. But now we’re organized and have a message to counter those heart-wrenching stories of sick people being helped by marijuana — just wait and we’ll fix it.”
Supporters of Better Boundaries: "The redistricting commission is just advisory, and the process is extremely complex, and it may not have any real impact — but you'll feel really good voting for this.”
Legislative opponents of Better Boundaries: “We were elected by the people, so we should draw election district boundaries. And we don’t need to gerrymander because Utah is overwhelmingly Republican, anyway. We just protect incumbents of both parties."
Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox: "Just trying to demonstrate the Twittersphere is not entirely dominated by maladjusted presidents and Elon Musk."
Utah football: “Urban who?”
BYU football: “We’ll always have 1984."
University of Utah faculty: "We are strong defenders of the First Amendment. Are there any more amendments after that?"
Attorney Gen. Sean Reyes:” I am bored with chasing bad guys. Time to trade up to governor. Spencer Cox can tweet. But I can rap.”
Congressman Chris Stewart: "Navigating between the Trump base and the rest of my constituents takes some artful flying. Good thing I was an Air Force pilot."
Democratic 2nd Congressional District candidate Shireen Ghorbani: "I have the coolest name of anyone on the ballot, and it has nothing to do with yogurt.”
Salt Lake County Mayor and 4th Congressional District candidate Ben McAdams: "Please enjoy my wonderful advertisement highlighting my beautiful wife and fantastic children. It will give you such a warm glow you’ll forget about Nancy Pelosi and my party affiliation."
Congresswoman Mia Love: "I can outrun, outlift and outbox anyone on the ballot."
Congressman Rob Bishop: “Vote for me. Or don't. Whatever."
Democratic challenger Lee Castillo in the 1st Congressional District: "My campaign website (www.utahisforeverybody.com) has more diversity than the entire congressional district."
Utah Republican Central Committee. “We’ll keep playing with matches. Even if the house burns down.”
Salt Lake Chamber of Commerce CEO Derek Miller: “Perhaps bluster can produce decent trade agreements after all.”
Congressman John Curtis: “At least when I was mayor of Provo City we got things done. Can’t I just go build a bike trail or something?”
Retiring House Speaker Greg Hughes: "If you thought I was intense and driven before, just wait until these legislative shackles are off. I’m going to be the Energizer Bunny."
Gov. Gary Herbert: "You know, being governor is kinda fun, and serving a mission might be boring. 2020 could be tempting.”
Pignanelli & Webb: “We’re glad most Utah politicos have a sense of humor — and that they provide plenty of fodder for this column.