Pignanelli and Webb: Tuesday is Pioneer Day, to be celebrated with speeches, fireworks, rodeos and parades. If political themes weren’t banned in the Days of ’47 Parade, here’s how our fertile (some would say sick) imaginations envision our modern-day political pioneers (no disrespect to real pioneers) appearing:
Sen. Orrin Hatch will be honored as parade grand marshal, riding on an elaborate float with a hologram of a sunset in the front, sporting the banner: “The only Utahn who witnessed the pioneers’ arrival in 1847 … now riding into the sunset.”
The largest parade float in history, spanning two blocks, will hold all the prominent Utahns, with sad faces, prohibited from serving on the Inland Port Authority Board because they own property within five miles of the boundary.
Salt Lake City Mayor Jackie Biskupski will be chasing after a float shaped like a ship named Inland Port — a ship that is quickly sailing away.
President Donald Trump will be on a float shaped like a stage, with Russian President Vladimir Putin in the corner holding up a cue card: “Meddling? What meddling?”
Myriad liberal commentators and Democratic leaders, after coddling Russia for decades, will be shivering on a float made out of ice, with a banner saying, “It’s time to bring back the Cold War.”
Sen. Mike Lee will be wearing a black cloak riding a float with signs touting his credentials for a new job: “Conservative. Calm judicial temperament. Originalist. Reverence for Constitution. Easy to get confirmed. …”
Democratic congressional candidate Ben McAdams will be in his orange bus with a sign: “Rapidly driving away from Nancy Pelosi, all socialists, Democratic calls for impeachment and Democratic calls to abolish ICE.”
Republican Congresswoman Mia Love will be wearing fitness attire as she performs contortions on her float — distancing herself from Trump’s more outrageous statements, while wooing the Republican base.
House Speaker Greg Hughes will be riding on Salt Lake City’s “Person of the Year” float, which honors the individual having the “Greatest impact on Salt Lake City politics.”
Bears Ears National Monument supporters and opponents will be riding horses together in the parade, carrying the banner, “Thanks, Utah, for this hot issue that increases membership, dues and contributions.”
Gov. Gary Herbert will be waving from a comfortable convertible proclaiming, “Just two more of these parades and I'm done."
Developers of the massive Olympia housing project near Herriman will be tossing out candy on a float with the sign: “Approve this project and we promise to follow the Plat of Zion.”
Utah Republican Central Committee members will wear blindfolds and earmuffs holding signs: “Fighting to control your political destiny.”
The Utah Gun Exchange will be atop a black armored vehicle with the sign, Orrin Porter Rockwell owned guns — you should too.”
U.S. Ambassador to Russia Jon Huntsman Jr. will be riding a horse, waving, and telling anyone who will listen, "I'm just visiting Utah. I’m going back. Really!”
Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox will be with his family in a nice car with signs on both sides: "Better government through better tweets."
The Salt Lake City Council will be marching together, arms locked, with a weathered sign used in many parades: "Upholding the pioneer tradition of battling the mayor."
Former Congressman Jason Chaffetz will be cruising the parade route looking for cameras, waving and shouting: "Still leading the pack for 2020 governor."
U.S. Senate Democratic candidate Jenny Wilson will be in a pickup truck with the sign, "Taking one for the team. Please remember that in 2020 when I run for SL County mayor."
Congressman Chris Stewart will be on horseback promoting his next book: “Seeking the 8th Miracle: A Deliberative and Humble Trump.”
Congressman John Curtis will ride his motorcycle wearing a leather jacket and slogan: “Washington is insane. SLC is weird. Provo is heaven!”
Utah Republicans will have a float with a noisy loudspeaker: "Ignore everything you see in the news (except Fox News). Vote Republican. Ignore everything you see in the news (except Fox News)."
Utah Democrats will have a similar float with an even louder loudspeaker: "Watch the news (except Fox News). Vote Democrat. Watch the news (except Fox News)."
Utah progressives will enjoy margaritas on a float with signs: “Clueless but happy,” “Socialism is for lovers,” “Everything should be free.”
Senate President Wayne Niederhauser will be riding his bike, quietly holding a sign: “Cyclists are well balanced.”
House Minority Leader Brian King and Senate Minority Leader Gene Davis will hold a banner: “Welcome to SLC — Utah’s safe place for Democrats!”
U.S. Senate candidate Mitt Romney will feature on his Mercedes convertible: "See, I was right about Russia.”
Congressman Rob Bishop will ride in a nice SUV with a sign: “Retiring in 2020 — unless I get drafted as House Speaker.”
Once again, Pignanelli and Webb will be trailing the last float, sweating in their straw hats and overalls, shoveling horse manure into a small trailer. "Just doing what we do best — cleaning up what those politicians leave behind."