The Days of ’47 Parade Committee likes to keep the parade as nonpolitical as possible, as we saw last Friday. We understand the need for decorum at this important historic event. But if we were in charge, here’s what the parade might look like:
Salt Lake City Mayor Ralph Becker would eschew suit and tie in favor of showing off his lissome figure in spandex on a bike, surrounded by other cyclists with signs saying, “SLC — Car Free by ’23,” and a huge banner with the slogan: "Re-elect Ralph — he's not quite as boring as Hillary!"
Mitt Romney would be on an ornate float shaped like a dog carrier, sporting a sign: “It’s great to be back in Utah where 47 percent of the people also haul their dogs on top of their cars.”
The "Utahns for Donald Trump” committee would walk behind a banner saying, “Brigham Young was no pioneer hero. I like my pioneer heroes to be killed by Indians.”
Sen. Orrin Hatch would be riding on a float shaped like a giant vitamin bottle, with a banner saying, “Take these and you can grow as old as me!” Another sign would be a warning: "As President Pro Tem, I’m assigned full-time security. Those guys in black suits with earpieces really are Secret Service. Do not make suspicious movements or nasty comments."
Gov. Gary Herbert would stand atop a float shaped like the Wasatch Mountains, with a banner: “Gary Herbert: A Man to Match Our Mountains — delivering the best economy in the country, recapturing our Medicaid dollars, and defending Utahns’ right to trespass on federal lands. If you get caught, I’ll contribute $10,000 to your defense.”
Likely GOP gubernatorial candidate Jonathan Johnson, both arms immobilized in plaster casts, would be limping behind the Herbert float with a simple sign: “Despite all the arm-twisting to get me out of the race, I’m still here.”
House Minority Leader Brian King would be on a fenced-in float labeled: "Threatened and Endangered Species! A rare live active Mormon Democrat! Federal law needed to protect this genus.”
Former state lawmaker and current mayoral candidate Jackie Biskupski would be walking behind a large billboard: "Please ignore those dark money PACs dodging election laws to help my campaign. Just know that I’m a lot more liberal and a lot more fun than Ralph and his bikes.”
Those other Salt Lake City mayoral candidates (City Councilman Luke Garrott, George Chapman and Dave Robinson) would be hoisting a banner together proclaiming, "Good news! The news media say we are legitimate candidates. Really!”
Eagle Forum President Gayle Ruzicka’s float would feature a thousand followers in pioneer garb atop a float with the banner, “Holding firm to 1847 culture in 2015 and beyond.”
Utah Republican Chairman James Evans and Utah Democratic Chairman Peter Corroon would stand together on a bipartisan float featuring a sign: "Champions of Lost Causes — Electing Democrats and Restoring the Caucus/Convention System."
Troy Williams, president of Equality Utah (Utah's largest gay and lesbian advocacy group) would stand on a huge pedestal on a float over a banner reading, “Welcome to Salt Lake City. … This is the place … and we own it!”
State Sen. Jim Dabakis would carry a banner stating, "Welcome to my downtown Senate District. Remember me when I announce I’m running in 2016 for Governor, or Senator or Congressman. … Unless I quickly drop out."
Congressmen Rob Bishop and Chris Stewart would be on a float with a gigantic mound of dirt and rock labeled “National Monument.” They would be tearing it down with their bare hands.
Salt Lake County Mayor Ben McAdams would be on a float with a huge banner: "Your guilt-free candidate in 2016. Support political diversity by voting for a Democrat. … While still getting Republican policies.”
Fourth District Democratic candidate Doug Owenswould be dressed as a knight in shining armor, lance in hand, tilting at a windmill resembling Mia Love.
Congressman Jason Chaffetz wouldn’t be on a float or walking the parade route. He would send a stand-in who would wave with vigor — because he is having too much fun excoriating Hilary and the IRS in Washington, D.C.
Some parade invitees would likely send their regrets. The 16 Republican presidential candidates would collaborate on a joint note to the Parade Committee, saying, “Love ya, Utah. … Just can’t break away from the beautiful Iowa summer sunsets.” Hillary Clintonwould respond, “What’s a Utah?”
By popular vote, Frank Pignanelli and LaVarr Webb would be contained in a cage on a float guarded by tea party soldiers with a sign saying, “Do not release these sad old clowns until their juvenile humor is actually funny.”