Poor Santa. Every year he is inundated by billions of requests for Christmas largesse. He tries to accommodate everyone, but is getting irritated with politicians and their demands. Since the big day is over, Santa broke the code of holiday silence and shared with us wish lists from certain characters we all know.
President Obama: “I’m wishing for a little relevance in my last year. With few people paying attention, I’m already feeling lame, and sometimes my speechwriters type ‘quack, quack, quack’ into the teleprompter.”
Sen. Orrin Hatch: "Nothing much. Just continued Republican Senate control so I can still be president pro tem and third in line for the presidency (you never know what might happen) and chairman of Finance, and well-positioned just in case I decide … you know … kinda thinkin’ … maybe 2018."
Donald Trump: “I’m very, very rich. I reject campaign contributions and Christmas gifts. Santa Claus is a loser. Real low energy except one night a year.”
Hillary Clinton: “More insults from Donald Trump. He’s the only person on earth who can actually generate voter sympathy for me. Suddenly, I’m likable.”
Gov. Gary Herbert: "Another year of great economic success for Utah so I can slide into re-election. Of course, it would be real frosting on the eggnog if my Republican opponent's company takes a beating in its stock prices."
GOP gubernatorial candidate Jonathan Johnson: “How about a little recognition for true visionary leadership instead of status quo management? A couple of early debates would be nice as well. It’s boring to debate Dabakis.”
Sen. Mike Lee: "Santa, please deliver us a president who has great courage, a conservative vision and the deep intelligence to do the right thing … especially nominate me for the U.S. Supreme Court."
Salt Lake County Mayor Ben McAdams: "I just want the gift of political disguise so voters aren’t sure what party I belong to. Besides, voting straight ticket is so boring. Live 2016 on the wild side — cross party lines!"
Democratic Party Chairman Peter Corroon: "Since we are called the Santa Claus party anyway for giving away government goodies — it's about time we got something from the real Santa. Just one Republican incumbent goes down in 2016. Just one."
Republican Party Chairman James Evans: "I seek only three gifts. No, not gold, frankincense and myrrh. Simple things — complete disarray in the signature petition process to justify my lawsuit, a great Republican candidate to challenge Ben McAdams, and a deadlocked national convention so Mitt Romney can be drafted on the second ballot."
Mitt Romney: “No more dog-strapped-to-the-roof-of-the-car jokes. Anyway, he was in a dog carrier. Got that? A dog carrier. He wasn’t hanging from the roof by his collar. And, yes, a deadlocked national convention would be nice as well.”
Congressman Chris Stewart: "All I want is a hundred more people to know who I am."
Congressman Rob Bishop: "I just want my staff to finish the dang public lands bill."
All Republican candidates: "For the sake of the country, please provide an electoral miracle and see that Bernie Sanders is the Democratic nominee. Republicans will win up and down the ballot."
All Democratic candidates: "For the sake of the country, please see that Donald Trump is the Republican nominee. With him at the top of the ticket, I can knock off any Republican."
Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox: "Last year, Santa left me a big lump of coal otherwise known as SB54 and the contentious signature-gathering process. So he owes me. How about knocking off Ben McAdams in 2016 so I don’t have to face him in 2020 for the governorship?”
Congresswoman Mia Love: "All I want is high approval ratings and lots of campaign cash for the next 11 months."
Democratic congressional candidate Doug Owens: "A big inflow of national Democratic money to my campaign and a few more Love mini-scandals. Oh, and prevent Mia from using her prodigious campaign wealth to run negative ads against me.”
Political commentators, lobbyists, pundits and media: "We want peace on earth and goodwill towards all — except in anything political. Our livelihoods depend on titanic battles and chaos in the political process."
House Speaker Greg Hughes: "I just never want to hear the words ‘Medicaid expansion’ again."
Senate President Wayne Niederhauser: "I seek a truly historic event. A massive snow dump in the middle of the legislative session, so I can declare the first-ever legislative snow day, send everyone home, and head to the backcountry."
Congressman Jason Chaffetz: "I really don't need anything. Democrats keep goofing up without any help from Santa, keeping my Oversight Committee plenty busy."
Pignanelli and Webb: "Just a couple of things: perceptive readers who actually get our obtuse humor, patient editors who suffer through our missed deadlines, and another year of political hijinks so we’ll have plenty of juicy material to write about."
Have a happy new year!