Pignanelli & Webb: This is the season of sinister events and terrifying noises. We see visitations by menacing beings and the conjuring up of old apparitions. People don disguises to masquerade as something they’re not. Normal people are walking around like zombies, haunted looks on their faces. Chilling choices must be made.
Yes, we know Halloween is tomorrow and creepy clowns are lurking in every neighborhood.
But we are describing the 2016 elections. It’s the season of tricks or treats, and most Americans assume they’re being tricked.
Tomorrow night, many Utah politicians will be in your communities seeking goodies and votes. To help you spot them, here’s a quick rundown on what they will be wearing to conceal their true identities.
If you see a Great Pumpkin costume, it might be presidential aspirant Evan McMullin. People think he exists and hear good things, but not even Linus has actually seen him.
Donald Trump will be dressed as Superman. He likes to leap his tall buildings, casinos and border walls in a single bound. He’s smarter than anyone else because of his X-ray vision. But beauty pageant contestants are his Kryptonite.
Hillary Clinton wanted to be the Good Witch of the North, but her staff conducted focus groups and decided it was much too risky — she would probably be confused with those other witches. So she's playing it safe and dressing as Morticia Addams of the Addams family. Smart, cagey and definitely in control.
The Cheshire Cat seeking treats with the big grin on his face will be President Barack Obama — so happy that in a couple of months someone else will have to deal with the Obamacare mess.
One of those Dracula trick-or-treaters out there will be Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson — hoping to suck the blood out of Trump and Clinton.
Gov. Gary Herbert and Lt. Gov. Spencer Cox will, of course, be parading around as Batman and Robin, compelling better behavior by villains on these dark nights by the sheer force of their speeches repeating (over and over again) how well things are going in Utah.
If you see the cartoon character Underdog going door to door in your neighborhood it will probably be Democratic gubernatorial candidate Mike Weinholtz as he doggedly refuses to concede, despite overwhelming odds.
Most politicos had questions about Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Misty Snow's abilities, but her solid debate performance and grasp of the issues has won respect even from Republicans. No better costume than Cinderella.
U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch will be costumed as X-Men leader Professor X — the wise old warrior who has seen it all, lecturing and providing guidance to all those other mutants with special powers (otherwise known as U.S. senators).
An especially frenetic trick-or-treater dressed as the Tasmanian Devil will be state Sen. Jim Dabakis — much energy is expended but not much gets accomplished.
Fighting the evil forces of liberalism and the Dodd-Frank law will be Wonder Woman Mia Love.
With roots in Old West Panguitch, 4th Congressional District Democratic contender Doug Owens will be dressed as a cowboy gunslinger, rising from a close defeat two years ago to challenge Love in a high-noon duel.
If you notice someone zooming from house to house as a Top Gun fighter pilot, it will be Congressman Rob Bishop, highlighting his support for the F-35 fighter jet program at Hill Air Force Base. Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to shoot down those sly environmentalists scheming for a Bears Ears national monument.
Salt Lake County Mayor Ben McAdams will be flitting through the county as Casper the Friendly Ghost. Very likable fellow as he views bigger ambitions (like the governorship) in 2020.
This column once described him as “The Force," so it's only natural that state auditor John Dougall, costumed as Dark Vader, continues to strike terror in small government agencies.
Most of the time he is very charming, but be sure to give House Speaker Greg Hughes plenty of treats or he will explode into the Incredible Hulk.
The Energizer Bunny beating drums around the neighborhood — even after everyone else has gone home to bed — will be Sen. Curt Bramble. He sometimes can’t find the off button.
The thoughtful Yoda, calmly seeking nourishing treats while riding his mountain bike, will be Senate President Wayne Niederhauser — unassuming but definitely in control of his environment is he.
The rapping version of Mr. Magoo in your neighborhood will certainly be Attorney General Sean Reyes, with good luck always following him as he never veers from his path.
If you notice Captain America carrying a copy of the Constitution, it will be Sen. Mike Lee, the constitutional originalist and Never Trumper who inexplicably appeared on Trump’s short list for the U.S. Supreme Court.
Someone stalking around the neighborhood, a perpetual look of outrage on his face, wearing the red robes of the Spanish Inquisition, will obviously be Congressman Jason Chaffetz, practicing for the next four years of inquiries into various Clinton scandals.
Pignanelli & Webb will be haunting neighborhoods as happy clowns — thrilled that the election concludes in just nine days.